I do love Ellie... but...

Last night you seemed confused about my bonding with Ellie.  I found it odd because I thought I had been pretty clear about it all.  I've tried to tell you everything I've felt because even though I'm ashamed, I don't want any secrets between us.  Maybe you don't recall every single conversation we've had about her - and I'm not bagging on your memory here, we both know it sucks but I love you anyway :) lol.  Really though, I think maybe you  just thought that I've been able to overcome these issues because I haven't said anything about it in quite awhile.  So I guess I just want to try & make things more clear.  Firstly, yes!  Of course I love Ellie.  And yes, I know she loves me too.  But I do still feel like there's a disconnect between us.  I think the difficulty during my pregnancy had  to do with my miscarriage and with Lacey being gone.  In the beginning  I don't think I really believed that Lacey would never come home, that realization came over time, a little more everyday.  And I always had the constant fear that Ellie would die before we even got to meet her.  The fear was so strong that to me, it was almost just a fact.  Everyday that passed should have eased my fear of miscarrying her but it never did.  I just became more sure that she would never be a part of our family.  I felt like I had lost so much already and although I wanted to be excited I just didn't have the ability to get attached to another person that I was going to lose.  When she was born alive and healthy, it was really just unbelievable to me.  It took me awhile to convince myself that it was real.  And then there was the guilt because I knew that I didn't feel the same as I did when my other kids were born but I didn't know how to change it.  I remember that most of the time I just felt like she was a random baby, and I loved her like I would love any baby but she didn't feel like my baby.  And sometimes, once in awhile I would feel that overwhelming joy that I knew was the joy of being a new mom.  I tried to hold on to it but it always seemed to pass so quickly and never stayed like it did with my other kids.  I know that deep down I was (and maybe still am) scared to love her.  It made me so sad because I didn't know what to do, I never had any problem like this before.  And I know I've told you all this before but I wanted to make sure you remembered.  Yes, things are better now.  I do love Ellie.  And most of the time I feel like she's my daughter.  But sometimes, I still don't believe that I'm allowed to have her or Jake or you.  And I feel like it's harder with Ellie because I have felt this way since before she was born.  With my other kids, and with you, I have memories of happy times.  It seems so much easier to hold on to the bonds that were already there before my life crumbed than to know how to build a new bond while my heart is in so many pieces.  I know it will get better everyday but it's still hard...  I didn't know that you didn't realize that and that's probably a really big part of my loneliness right now.  I love you.  Thank you for listening babe.  I hope you get some time off soon.

Let's Talk

Closure, peace and healing.  None of this is about any of those things.  I'm having such a hard time talking to you about this right now.  I don't even know what you (and everyone else) mean by closure...  Lacey will always be a part of me.  Maybe they can erase me from her life but nothing can ever erase her from my heart.  I know that this won't make anything better for me or us.  In fact, I'm sure it will be harder.  How can I ever heal from losing her?  I'm sure there will be more sleepless nights and my crying will wake you up more often.  I still won't be able to forgive myself or you for the decisions that brought us to this point...  Then again who knows maybe I'll find God or some other retardedness to lift me up and carry me through.  I doubt it though, so all I can do is ask that you keep holding my hand through it all.  Because this decision absolutely cannot be about me.  It's not right to let my heartache affect Lacey and Jake.

I know it hurts you too.  I know you love me and this isn't the life we planned.  I warned you that life with me would be hard but I know neither of us ever imagined that it could be this painful.  Nothing in our life is how it was supposed to be.  I know it hurts you that I have so many regrets.  I wish I didn't, I wish I could be at peace, I really do.  But how can I?  I never thought Lacey would be stolen from us.  I never thought Jake would have to endure everything he's been through.  I never thought I would have trouble loving Ellie.  I never imagined this would be our life.  How could we have known that this much pain was even possible?  I am so sorry.  I would do anything to make it better but I can't.

You know if we won the lottery tomorrow, I would spend every last penny to get Lacey back....  But that's the kind of miracle it would take.  We are barely surviving.  We can't even afford school clothes or a crib.  I know you want to believe that things will get better but it's been over 2 years babe.  I love you with all my heart and you know I don't give a damn about money but I do care about the kids having what they need.  That's the entire reason the Jake and Lacey went back to Utah in the first place.  Please read this in the kindest tone of voice possible....What miracle are you expecting?  At this point, I can't even answer the phone or the door and I barely leave the house.  I don't know if I will ever be able to work again much less go back to school and do all the things we dreamed.  I know we didn't see life turning out this way but now that it has, how do you think we could ever get her back?  And how is it fair to hold on to those what if's?

What do you think it would do to Jake if Lacey disappeared again?  You know I never wanted to split them up.  And it broke my heart when they cut him off.  I still don't know what exactly I did wrong then but damn it babe I have to do everything I can to keep Jake and Lacey together in any way possible.  And yes, maybe this is all just a big ploy of theirs to get us out of their lives for good...  I certainly wouldn't put it past them.  But how could I live with myself and knowing that I didn't do everything I could to keep Jake and Lacey in each other's lives?

I know it's not going to fix anything for me or for us but it's not about us, it's about the kids.  And I really think this adoption could be good for them.

I love you.  Let's talk.