I do love Ellie... but...

Last night you seemed confused about my bonding with Ellie.  I found it odd because I thought I had been pretty clear about it all.  I've tried to tell you everything I've felt because even though I'm ashamed, I don't want any secrets between us.  Maybe you don't recall every single conversation we've had about her - and I'm not bagging on your memory here, we both know it sucks but I love you anyway :) lol.  Really though, I think maybe you  just thought that I've been able to overcome these issues because I haven't said anything about it in quite awhile.  So I guess I just want to try & make things more clear.  Firstly, yes!  Of course I love Ellie.  And yes, I know she loves me too.  But I do still feel like there's a disconnect between us.  I think the difficulty during my pregnancy had  to do with my miscarriage and with Lacey being gone.  In the beginning  I don't think I really believed that Lacey would never come home, that realization came over time, a little more everyday.  And I always had the constant fear that Ellie would die before we even got to meet her.  The fear was so strong that to me, it was almost just a fact.  Everyday that passed should have eased my fear of miscarrying her but it never did.  I just became more sure that she would never be a part of our family.  I felt like I had lost so much already and although I wanted to be excited I just didn't have the ability to get attached to another person that I was going to lose.  When she was born alive and healthy, it was really just unbelievable to me.  It took me awhile to convince myself that it was real.  And then there was the guilt because I knew that I didn't feel the same as I did when my other kids were born but I didn't know how to change it.  I remember that most of the time I just felt like she was a random baby, and I loved her like I would love any baby but she didn't feel like my baby.  And sometimes, once in awhile I would feel that overwhelming joy that I knew was the joy of being a new mom.  I tried to hold on to it but it always seemed to pass so quickly and never stayed like it did with my other kids.  I know that deep down I was (and maybe still am) scared to love her.  It made me so sad because I didn't know what to do, I never had any problem like this before.  And I know I've told you all this before but I wanted to make sure you remembered.  Yes, things are better now.  I do love Ellie.  And most of the time I feel like she's my daughter.  But sometimes, I still don't believe that I'm allowed to have her or Jake or you.  And I feel like it's harder with Ellie because I have felt this way since before she was born.  With my other kids, and with you, I have memories of happy times.  It seems so much easier to hold on to the bonds that were already there before my life crumbed than to know how to build a new bond while my heart is in so many pieces.  I know it will get better everyday but it's still hard...  I didn't know that you didn't realize that and that's probably a really big part of my loneliness right now.  I love you.  Thank you for listening babe.  I hope you get some time off soon.