Rejected

I started applying for jobs because I have to put my kids first before what my Dad needs.  But it doesn't matter now.  The job I needed won't take me.  I am devastated.  How am I supposed to ever see my girls again if I can't get a good job?  This wasn't supposed to be my life.  I was supposed to be a mom.  That's all I wanted to do.  I could have finished high school, gone to college, had a career but I didn't want that life.  I just wanted to be a mom.  Now it's all been taken away from me.  And I'm not good enough for anybody.  I give up.  What else is there to do?  I've fought my whole life and I just can't win.  It's over.

What to do.

I don't understand why I always have too much to do.  I want a job.  I want to get out of this place.  But there's too much to do.  Dad's apartment is going to be inspected in one month.  I don't know how the hell I'm going to get everything done by then.  And I don't know how we're going to eat if I don't get a job.  But if he fails the inspection, he'll lose his home.  It's so much pressure.  And I don't know what the right thing to do is.  I am so overwhelmed.  I just want to run away.  And I wonder, how was Dad planning on passing inspection before I showed up?  I figure cleaning it all up is my rent and I don't think it's unfair.  But it's really annoying that Jake and I have to find some place else to be on inspection day.  As if we have any place else to go!  We wouldn't be here if we did.  I guess we'll just have to stay at the park like homeless people for the day.  At least we're not in Phoenix, that would be miserable.
I don't know what to do.  I can't believe how bad this place is.  Grandma is coming over for the first time tomorrow...  (Today) I'm terrified.  She's not going to understand how much cleaner it is now than it was when I got here.  It's still filthy.  How am I ever going to get it all done and how am I going to support my kid while I'm cleaning it all up?
Life was supposed to be easier now but it's harder instead.  I hate him so much.  He's in Vegas as if he doesn't even have kids and I'm the one struggling.  Why do I have to be a parent when he doesn't?  Maybe that's the answer.  Maybe I should just say fuck it all and leave and go do what I want to do and stop worrying about how to make everything work and just get spun.  Maybe then I could breath and maybe my stomach wouldn't be twisted up and maybe my chest wouldn't be on fire and I wouldn't be crying and everything would be better for me for as long as I could stay high.  And maybe I could just stay high until I die.  Maybe it's time to stop being selfless.  It's never gotten me anywhere.  It's gotten everyone around me what they wanted and left me with nothing again and again.  .....
I only used meth in this city one time.  Is it a coincidence that it was on this street? The house isn't there anymore, they built a new one in it's place.  From Dad's front yard, I can see my old apartment.  The last place I was ever spun.  I hate being here.  Why does it have to be here of all places?  At least Uncle Ricky is gone, I wouldn't be able to cope if he were still there.  I don't want to get high...  do I?

Failed

I didn't die on Mother's Day.  This life is cruel.  I want to have hope for the future but I don't really.  All I really dare to hope for is the end.  The end of this misery.  I've wished for the end for more than 20 years and it still hasn't come.  I haven't done anything good in this life.  I made five kids but the only one that's mine has turned out horrible.  So horrible that no one else wants him anymore.  All I've done in my life is raise a horrible person.  Dad says be patient... Jake will learn eventually.  Boys are slow learners.  Anthony turned out awesome.  But Anthony wasn't as bad as Jake.  He wasn't aggressive like Jake, he wasn't as greedy or selfish, Anthony was a good kid.  I don't know what to do for Jacob.  I've failed him.  I know that's why Rob took Ellie from me.  He doesn't want her to turn out like Jake...  How can I blame him?
All I ever wanted was to be a mom.  I failed.  I truly am worthless.

Ellie hates me.

She doesn't want to talk to me because I'm not her best.  I don't know what that means or why she doesn't want to talk to me.  I guess she is done loving me already.  I guess he is a great brain washer.  I hate my life.  I miss my baby.

Mother's Day

I hate this day.  I hate so much now.  I am so tired of hating.  I'm tired of so much.  I've spent most of my life taking care of other people and ending up with absolutely nothing.  I'm tired of it all.  t I give everything and get nothing.  I'm fed up with being selfless.  I'm tired of letting everyone I know make me feel worthless.  I am not a bad person.  I could ruin so many lives with the things I know but I don't.  Because all I've ever wanted is to help people.  So I'm not perfect.  Big fucking surprise.  Neither is anyone else.  Why am I the one who suffers though?  Fuck all of them.  I should have chosen a different path, one where I won no matter what.  I should have taken more and given nothing.  But I just never had it in me.  I hope I die soon.  I wish this life were over already.  I'm tired of living through it all.  All I want now is death.  Wouldn't it be poetic to die on mother's day?  The woman who had no mother, the woman who lost all her daughters, the woman whose son only cared about himself - mother's day would be the perfect death for me.  I hope I die today.

I'm cold so I imagine his arms around me...  I remember his warmth.  But then I remember my Ellie saying she misses me and asking me to come see her and I cry.  I wish I could tell her the truth.  I want to see you, Ellie!  I want to hold you and kiss you and hug you.  But your Dad won't let me.  He thinks he is God and nothing I ever did for him was good enough.  All the years I took care of you and everyone else weren't good enough.  He won't let me see you again baby girl.  I want to.  Oh how I want to.

Rollercoaster

Yesterday was shitty because I had to skip two doses of Lithium.  I cried.  A lot.  I haven't seen my daughter all week.  He's taking her away more and more each day.  I hate myself for loving him.  I wish I could stop.  I should have run away with her.  But I am not like him and I don't want to hurt my kids like he does.  He said he'll let her call today buy the phone isn't ringing.  I can't even think about him right now, it's too early in the day to be getting so angry.