Nervous

The most frightening scenario that has occurred to me so far is that there won't be a diagnosis.  What if his brain isn't different?   What if none of the professionals in the meeting tomorrow can tell us how to help him?  What if there's no reason that  nothing works?  I'm terrified.

Redirect

Path not found. Change focus. Redirect. Adapt. Keep moving. Forward. Don't look back. One breath at a time.

Home

This place has become home and I don't want to leave. I don't want my kids to be somewhere else. I don't want to pack my things and go to any other place, even temporarily. I want us all to be here at home together.
This is my home. I feel more whole here. I feel more. It's okay to feel - it's allowed and even encouraged ... maybe expected. Here I am safe, secure, free. I'm stronger and calmer and closer to me. I can think more and worry less. I can smile and laugh and be happy. I like this place. I like me in this place. And I don't want to leave.

Just Fucking Love Yourself Already

Today, while reading an article on the internet, a random thought whizzed through my brain and kicked me in the stomach.  My brain does love random thoughts and I often have them running around up there.  The kicking part was what caught me off guard.  It isn't common for these things to make me feel so suddenly...  what?  stunned, winded, shocked, breathless, stupid, awestruck, idiotic, self-aware, purposeful, and resolute.

Labels.  Sigh.  I avoid labels at all costs.  Ignoring their existence until someone else superglues them to my forehead and forces me to live that way.  I walk through this world so anxious about how others see me through my list of labels that I can't even look at people most of the time.  I avoid mirrors so I don't have to look at myself and risk seeing the horrible person that these labels obviously make me.  All at once I can see what a damn idiot I've been all these years.

My random thought grows arms and begins to shake me, awakening me!  How could I ever have wondered why I don't know who I am?  I absolutely refuse to commit to being anything that I don't have to be!  I'm so exasperated with myself.  At this point, I remember that I have a perfectly good, well formulated response to the notion that labels are anything but harmful.  I remember that I have argued this point many times with many friends and almost always won.  But right now, I can't seem to recall what exactly that argument is.  I suspect it's more than just a little short-sighted.  I am baffled by my own idiocy and determined to change - now.

It's not just me that I've been hurting.  It's not just my own labels that I avoid or outright refuse - it's almost everyone's.  I have been dismissive of who people are, rarely even considering how they would describe themselves.  'You're just YOU to me,' I've said so many times.  But is that true if I don't acknowledge how they see themselves?  I can't let myself shrug off the things that give people a sense of identity.  My family, my friends, and especially my children deserve this change.

Today, I am going to stop being afraid of describing myself.  I am going to find myself and accept myself and fucking love myself.  Because it's about damn time.

I am Stephenie.  I am so much.
Mom. Wife. Sister. Friend. Woman. Smart. Bisexual. Pagan. Bookworm. Paranoid. Bipolar. Addict. Daughter. Aunt. Cousin. Granddaughter. Niece.
I am finding me.

Too much. Too many

Two lists, two kitchens, two living rooms, and two families to feed.
Two two two two two two two too too too too too too too too too.
Too much work to do, too many thoughts to process, too much laundry, too many emotions, too much negativity, and too many lessons to learn.
It's too much. It's too many.
I can't keep up. So I'll just keep trying.

Stupid Pictures

I went through the pictures on my phone.  It was a mistake.  Now I'm crying and feeling stupid.

I miss the grandbabies.  I miss them so much.  I know that they were never my grandchildren.  I never tried to be their grandmother.  But I loved them so much.  I have to admit that I still do.  I try to ignore it but those kids have a piece of my heart.  My brain keeps telling my heart that it's time to move on and leave the past in the past.  And I know that's true but there are so many people I love and miss.

I miss all the kids.  I thought I would get to see them when I picked up Ellie.

I miss the way Jake used to look at Rob.

I miss Sheila.

This is stupid.  All these people are gone.  That part of my life is over.  And I don't want it back.  But damn I miss them.  How many more tears until this pain starts to fade?

Time

There's a time and place for everything...  right?  Now is not the time, it's definitely not the time.  I'm sure I'll have time, someday.  But not today and not right now.  there is so much to process and I don't even know where to begin.  The list keeps getting longer.  I start blogs and I don't finish them and now...  now the emotions are starting to escape into my everyday conversations.  This is bad.  I need to stop feeling again but I keep forgetting to take my medication and that's not helping keep it in.  I don't have time to let anything out right now.  Fuck, it's taken me three tries over eight hours just to get this far in this post.  And now I'm super tired and nothing makes sense.

Someday, hopefully soon, I will have the time to feel things and to talk about them and to cry about them.  But today is not that day.