I do love Ellie... but...

Last night you seemed confused about my bonding with Ellie.  I found it odd because I thought I had been pretty clear about it all.  I've tried to tell you everything I've felt because even though I'm ashamed, I don't want any secrets between us.  Maybe you don't recall every single conversation we've had about her - and I'm not bagging on your memory here, we both know it sucks but I love you anyway :) lol.  Really though, I think maybe you  just thought that I've been able to overcome these issues because I haven't said anything about it in quite awhile.  So I guess I just want to try & make things more clear.  Firstly, yes!  Of course I love Ellie.  And yes, I know she loves me too.  But I do still feel like there's a disconnect between us.  I think the difficulty during my pregnancy had  to do with my miscarriage and with Lacey being gone.  In the beginning  I don't think I really believed that Lacey would never come home, that realization came over time, a little more everyday.  And I always had the constant fear that Ellie would die before we even got to meet her.  The fear was so strong that to me, it was almost just a fact.  Everyday that passed should have eased my fear of miscarrying her but it never did.  I just became more sure that she would never be a part of our family.  I felt like I had lost so much already and although I wanted to be excited I just didn't have the ability to get attached to another person that I was going to lose.  When she was born alive and healthy, it was really just unbelievable to me.  It took me awhile to convince myself that it was real.  And then there was the guilt because I knew that I didn't feel the same as I did when my other kids were born but I didn't know how to change it.  I remember that most of the time I just felt like she was a random baby, and I loved her like I would love any baby but she didn't feel like my baby.  And sometimes, once in awhile I would feel that overwhelming joy that I knew was the joy of being a new mom.  I tried to hold on to it but it always seemed to pass so quickly and never stayed like it did with my other kids.  I know that deep down I was (and maybe still am) scared to love her.  It made me so sad because I didn't know what to do, I never had any problem like this before.  And I know I've told you all this before but I wanted to make sure you remembered.  Yes, things are better now.  I do love Ellie.  And most of the time I feel like she's my daughter.  But sometimes, I still don't believe that I'm allowed to have her or Jake or you.  And I feel like it's harder with Ellie because I have felt this way since before she was born.  With my other kids, and with you, I have memories of happy times.  It seems so much easier to hold on to the bonds that were already there before my life crumbed than to know how to build a new bond while my heart is in so many pieces.  I know it will get better everyday but it's still hard...  I didn't know that you didn't realize that and that's probably a really big part of my loneliness right now.  I love you.  Thank you for listening babe.  I hope you get some time off soon.

Let's Talk

Closure, peace and healing.  None of this is about any of those things.  I'm having such a hard time talking to you about this right now.  I don't even know what you (and everyone else) mean by closure...  Lacey will always be a part of me.  Maybe they can erase me from her life but nothing can ever erase her from my heart.  I know that this won't make anything better for me or us.  In fact, I'm sure it will be harder.  How can I ever heal from losing her?  I'm sure there will be more sleepless nights and my crying will wake you up more often.  I still won't be able to forgive myself or you for the decisions that brought us to this point...  Then again who knows maybe I'll find God or some other retardedness to lift me up and carry me through.  I doubt it though, so all I can do is ask that you keep holding my hand through it all.  Because this decision absolutely cannot be about me.  It's not right to let my heartache affect Lacey and Jake.

I know it hurts you too.  I know you love me and this isn't the life we planned.  I warned you that life with me would be hard but I know neither of us ever imagined that it could be this painful.  Nothing in our life is how it was supposed to be.  I know it hurts you that I have so many regrets.  I wish I didn't, I wish I could be at peace, I really do.  But how can I?  I never thought Lacey would be stolen from us.  I never thought Jake would have to endure everything he's been through.  I never thought I would have trouble loving Ellie.  I never imagined this would be our life.  How could we have known that this much pain was even possible?  I am so sorry.  I would do anything to make it better but I can't.

You know if we won the lottery tomorrow, I would spend every last penny to get Lacey back....  But that's the kind of miracle it would take.  We are barely surviving.  We can't even afford school clothes or a crib.  I know you want to believe that things will get better but it's been over 2 years babe.  I love you with all my heart and you know I don't give a damn about money but I do care about the kids having what they need.  That's the entire reason the Jake and Lacey went back to Utah in the first place.  Please read this in the kindest tone of voice possible....What miracle are you expecting?  At this point, I can't even answer the phone or the door and I barely leave the house.  I don't know if I will ever be able to work again much less go back to school and do all the things we dreamed.  I know we didn't see life turning out this way but now that it has, how do you think we could ever get her back?  And how is it fair to hold on to those what if's?

What do you think it would do to Jake if Lacey disappeared again?  You know I never wanted to split them up.  And it broke my heart when they cut him off.  I still don't know what exactly I did wrong then but damn it babe I have to do everything I can to keep Jake and Lacey together in any way possible.  And yes, maybe this is all just a big ploy of theirs to get us out of their lives for good...  I certainly wouldn't put it past them.  But how could I live with myself and knowing that I didn't do everything I could to keep Jake and Lacey in each other's lives?

I know it's not going to fix anything for me or for us but it's not about us, it's about the kids.  And I really think this adoption could be good for them.

I love you.  Let's talk.

School

If Lacey goes back to school on Monday, we probably aren't going to get to see her.  I know I'm full of 'what-ifs'  but I can't help it so:  Even if J.D. would let us see her, there's no way he would let her miss a day (or a couple hours) of school to do so.  But that's if he's even going to put her in school for the couple weeks until they move.  And if she's even actually in a school in the first place.  If she's home-schooled then it school hours probably won't really matter.  But there's no way that we could wait for her to get out of school, then visit, and be able to get you back here in time for work. ...if if if...

I wish we didn't have to wait so long for an answer.  This is why I like planning.  If we had known last month if we could see her, we could have planned to spend a little extra to go on the weekend.  :(  

I hope everything works out.  I want to hug her so badly.  And if it doesn't, I'll just be happy that Jake got to spend a week with her.  :)

More about Lacey

I still don't know why Jake and Lacey aren't spending his last few days there together.  I talked to my dad about it and he didn't really have any answers for me.  I wonder if they don't want Jake around her because of his behavior.  I hope that's not it because there are some things I just can't fix.  Another thought is that maybe they are scared that I'll show up while my dad has Lacey.  And that thought is the reason I told my dad that it is okay to let them know when we are going to be picking up Jake.  I know, I know it's a really risky move.  And honestly, I'm still conflicted about whether or not it's a safe thing to do.  I would like to think that they have grown and matured and just want to keep their family together.  But I can't forget the past either, and I know they are capable of lying to the police, the court and whoever else they need to lie to in order to hurt me and our family.  It's not to late to put Jake on a plane and fly him home.  Maybe I can see Uncle Tony at the beginning of next summer (if all goes well for him).  I don't know.  I did ask my dad to try and work out a visit for me too.  The worst that can happen is they say no.  Well I don't think that's actually the worst that can happen but I can't live my whole life having no faith in humanity at all.  It's still the most important thing to me for the kids to get to spend time together.  But I do want to see her.  My dad talked about working out some visitation in the long term and now they are moving to California so how is that going to work?  Maybe they didn't mean it at all and just said that to appease my dad.  *sigh*  I was talking about sending Jake to stay with them for Christmas.....  Do you think that's a good idea if they aren't in Utah?    I mean I guess it wouldn't be all that different, he still wouldn't have any legal right to keep Jake so maybe it doesn't matter what state they live in.  Damn babe idk.  I want the kids to be able to know each other.  I'm afraid that J.D. is going to stop talking to my dad again.  I still don't understand why he did the first time.  I wish more of all this made sense to me.  Dad called him today but he was sleeping and never called back...  idk.

Ellie.

Baby food.....
I want you to look at that menu website.  I'm at a loss.  I have no idea how much we should be feeding her and I can seem to find an answer online.  I mixed 1/2 cup oatmeal with one jar of food this morning and gave her half.  Serving size is 1/4 cup of the cereal so maybe I should just add a full jar that so that it tastes better.  I think she would probably eat that much but I'm not sure because I haven't tried.
Daycare & doctor.....
We need to call tomorrow & make an appointment for Ellie to get her shots for daycare.  I also want to get Jake's shots and talk to the doctor about his ADHD.  The wait for an appointment might be awhile because it's August so we need to do it asap.

Fishing and more.....

I wonder if they are back from fishing yet.  J.D. didn't go because he had to work.  It's surprising that I would have felt better if he did go, lol.  I want to call my dad and check on them but I'm trying not to.  I don't want to interrupt their day.  He said the funniest thing yesterday.  I asked him if he thought he could handle two young children by himself at the lake.  He replied, "I'm Grandpa! I'm like Superman with a bad leg."  LOL!
Do you think I should send those clothes that I've been saving for Lacey to my dad for her?  What about her princess blanket that we've been letting Ellie use?
Do you think the kids are as scared as I am that everything is going to go back to the way it was after summer's over?  I told my dad that Jake could stay at J.D.'s house next week.  Part of me wants to let him stay in Utah longer so he can get more time with Lacey.  But if he doesn't finish catching up to his reading level this year, he'll be held back.  Tough choice, as usual.  Because not much can be simply right or wrong.  I think he needs to start school on time, what do you think?

Me.....

My Princess Lacey.  I wish so much that I could talk to her, see her, hold her, kiss her and sing with her.  Singing to Ellie is so bittersweet because I love it and she loves it so much but it reminds me so much of Lacey.  I know I need to hold on to those memories and I do, I cherish the years I had with her, I will never let myself forget what I beautiful daughter I had.  But it's hard, it's painful and I try to keep it inside because I don't want Jake to see me crying or anything and then I wonder if I'm doing the right thing because maybe I'm teaching him that it's not okay to cry or be sad about it and I don't want to do that.  It really hit me hard the way Ellie looked at me when I laughed the other day.  It was like she never saw me laugh before.  I thought about it for a long time and you're right, I can't remember even 5 times that I have really laughed since she was born.  That's so sad.  I wonder if it's because of life or the medication.  They are stabilizers so they curb the ups just as much as the downs.  I was thinking that since Ellie is sleeping through the night now, maybe it would be a good idea to go back on the Seroquel.  The only reason she would probably wake up at night now is if she were sick and if that were the case I could probably skip a couple days if I needed too. Like with the Lithium I'm supposed to skip it if I get sick, ya know?  Anyway, I would have to talk to the doctor about it and make sure I could do that but if not I wanted to have time to talk to you and Sam and see if maybe she could help if I got back on that and Ellie got sick and you were working.  LOL  I know that's a lot of what ifs but I don't want to get back on it if there's a possibility that I'll have to stop it again.  But maybe it would help me laugh more.....  I laugh in my daydreams.  Sometimes it's nice to pretend that I might get to see Lacey again.  I wish she could meet her baby sister.  I miss her so much babe.  I never knew a human being could feel this much pain.  I'm not surprised that I forgot yesterday was the 24th of July, I wouldn't even let myself hope they would find her.  I told my dad that even if they did live there, they probably wouldn't be at the parade because J.D. hated holidays when I knew him.  He said it was worth a try and he was right.  I'm so happy they found her.  I can't believe Jake and Lacey got to play together.  And I hope they get more time together.  The thing I want more than anything else is for the two of them to be able to be brother and sister again.  I used to have a very strong opinion that they should stay with each other and be raised together and everything.  I mean they were so close, very best friends.  But what I think should happen and what actually happens are often very different.  Now I just wish they could have some kind of relationship, any kind at all is better than none.  That's what I want most.  Of course I wish I could see her, I wish she were her with us, I wish I could be her mom.  You tell me to have hope, that someday things will be different but I don't believe you.  I think you just say that to make me feel better and it doesn't because I don't think it's true.  He's never going to let me see her again.  By the time she's old enough to decide for herself, she will be so poisoned against me that it won't matter.  I know because of what I went through with my mother.  I heard my dad's side my whole life and I put the pieces together of what I thought might be my mother's side.  When I finally asked her for her story, it was pretty much what I expected, and it was not at all what my dad claimed.  But it doesn't matter, I still can't call her "mom" when I talk of her, still don't call her, I don't visit, I can't forgive her.  At least it won't be a surprise, at least I will completely understand why Lacey will hate me too when she grows up.  I don't want to hope for the impossible babe.  I want to accept it and spend my energy hoping for things that really could happen.  I have lots of wishes and daydreams but I can't hope for those things.  I can't hope for me, so I just hope for the kids.

Jake.....

My dad said that J.D. and Lacey are going to go fishing with him and Jake...  I'm worried about this.  Jake knows that.  :|  I think at this point it would be better for the adults to make the plans without telling Jake.  I'm afraid of J.D. going back on his word.  Jake's had quite enough heartbreak in his life, I'm so afraid that he's going to get hurt even more.  On the other hand, I'm afraid that J.D. will keep his word and go.......  and then what?  Will he let Lacey spend more time with Jake before summer's over?  Maybe Jake will get to spend the night with them a couple times.....  Here's the thing, I want Jake and Lacey to be able to spend as much time together as possible right now because honestly who knows when or if they will ever get to see each other again and I want Jake to spend time with Lacey's family too because he loves them  BUT I can't tell you how frightened I am about it all.  J.D. stole my daughter from me, how do I know he won't try it with Jake after he succeeded once already? Common sense tells me he won't because Jake isn't his kid.  But it's hard to imagine the feelings someone else has for your kid.  I think the fact that he is the one who cut all ties with Jake says that he doesn't love Jake at all but then I wonder if I'm letting my own feelings about J.D. cloud my judgement and maybe I'm not allowing myself to see the other side....  Could there be another side???  I don't know and I don't think I will figure that out anytime soon if I do ever figure it out.  What if he suddenly realizes that Jake and Lacey really should be together though?  Paranoid...  How can I not be after everything?  Also it probably doesn't help that I ready that Jaycee Dugard book the other day LOL.  :\  I am really worried and super scared but I think this time I just need to put my fears on the shelf.  I'm going to tell my dad to let Jake see Lacey (and the others) as much as possible until he comes home.  Then I am going to hope, wish and pray that J.D. doesn't try to pull any "J.D. stunts".  I have to just believe that everything is going to work out the way it's supposed to and Jake will come home.  And if he does try something...  I think I'm better prepared to deal with it the right way, ya know?  I'm more clear-headed than I used to be, it's just the what ifs that are hard.  So I'll let those go now because the only other option is not to let Jake see them at all and that's not fair to anyone.  I do hate that I'm pretty much depending on J.D. to be a good person and do the right thing when...  well you know, it's J.D. we're talking about...  *sigh*  It's the right thing to do.  [Isn't that what I said about the kids going to 'stay with him' in the beginning?  I really hope this will be different.]

Lacey.....

I don't think I said out loud how relieved I am to know that she is alive!  Probably because I couldn't think of a stronger word than relieved.  I've had a lot of dreams about Lacey dying.  Often it was a car accident and everyone in the car died.  I remember one where there was a fire and JD and Sandie only saved her kids and Lacey never made it out.  Once she got eaten by a shark while swimming in the ocean.  I hate my dreams because they are so vivid and I remember all the details so well, it makes it really hard to forget them.  It probably sounds silly, they are just dreams after all but I can't help crying and worrying.  I'm sure it's because I've had no way of knowing whether or not she was okay.  At least I know today.

Dear Rob

I can't stop thinking about everything that has happened recently and worrying/wondering about what's going to happen from here.  You know I think way to much in the first place but with all the stuff I have to process right now, I feel over-loaded.  Ellie, Jake, Sam and her baby, Terry and Lilly and all the stuff with Trina, Rae, Spencer, Jackie, Lori, Tina, my dad, moving, money, school, and most importantly, Lacey.  We're so busy that I don't get the chance to tell you even half the things that go through my head everyday.  We just never seem to have time, and when we do I often forget the things I wanted to say.  So I'm going to try blogging again and see if we can't add another avenue of communication.  I love you.  I know it's probably tough being my only friend and I want you to know I adore you.  
<3 Stephenie