Redirect

Path not found. Change focus. Redirect. Adapt. Keep moving. Forward. Don't look back. One breath at a time.

Home

This place has become home and I don't want to leave. I don't want my kids to be somewhere else. I don't want to pack my things and go to any other place, even temporarily. I want us all to be here at home together.
This is my home. I feel more whole here. I feel more. It's okay to feel - it's allowed and even encouraged ... maybe expected. Here I am safe, secure, free. I'm stronger and calmer and closer to me. I can think more and worry less. I can smile and laugh and be happy. I like this place. I like me in this place. And I don't want to leave.

Just Fucking Love Yourself Already

Today, while reading an article on the internet, a random thought whizzed through my brain and kicked me in the stomach.  My brain does love random thoughts and I often have them running around up there.  The kicking part was what caught me off guard.  It isn't common for these things to make me feel so suddenly...  what?  stunned, winded, shocked, breathless, stupid, awestruck, idiotic, self-aware, purposeful, and resolute.

Labels.  Sigh.  I avoid labels at all costs.  Ignoring their existence until someone else superglues them to my forehead and forces me to live that way.  I walk through this world so anxious about how others see me through my list of labels that I can't even look at people most of the time.  I avoid mirrors so I don't have to look at myself and risk seeing the horrible person that these labels obviously make me.  All at once I can see what a damn idiot I've been all these years.

My random thought grows arms and begins to shake me, awakening me!  How could I ever have wondered why I don't know who I am?  I absolutely refuse to commit to being anything that I don't have to be!  I'm so exasperated with myself.  At this point, I remember that I have a perfectly good, well formulated response to the notion that labels are anything but harmful.  I remember that I have argued this point many times with many friends and almost always won.  But right now, I can't seem to recall what exactly that argument is.  I suspect it's more than just a little short-sighted.  I am baffled by my own idiocy and determined to change - now.

It's not just me that I've been hurting.  It's not just my own labels that I avoid or outright refuse - it's almost everyone's.  I have been dismissive of who people are, rarely even considering how they would describe themselves.  'You're just YOU to me,' I've said so many times.  But is that true if I don't acknowledge how they see themselves?  I can't let myself shrug off the things that give people a sense of identity.  My family, my friends, and especially my children deserve this change.

Today, I am going to stop being afraid of describing myself.  I am going to find myself and accept myself and fucking love myself.  Because it's about damn time.

I am Stephenie.  I am so much.
Mom. Wife. Sister. Friend. Woman. Smart. Bisexual. Pagan. Bookworm. Paranoid. Bipolar. Addict. Daughter. Aunt. Cousin. Granddaughter. Niece.
I am finding me.

Too much. Too many

Two lists, two kitchens, two living rooms, and two families to feed.
Two two two two two two two too too too too too too too too too.
Too much work to do, too many thoughts to process, too much laundry, too many emotions, too much negativity, and too many lessons to learn.
It's too much. It's too many.
I can't keep up. So I'll just keep trying.

Stupid Pictures

I went through the pictures on my phone.  It was a mistake.  Now I'm crying and feeling stupid.

I miss the grandbabies.  I miss them so much.  I know that they were never my grandchildren.  I never tried to be their grandmother.  But I loved them so much.  I have to admit that I still do.  I try to ignore it but those kids have a piece of my heart.  My brain keeps telling my heart that it's time to move on and leave the past in the past.  And I know that's true but there are so many people I love and miss.

I miss all the kids.  I thought I would get to see them when I picked up Ellie.

I miss the way Jake used to look at Rob.

I miss Sheila.

This is stupid.  All these people are gone.  That part of my life is over.  And I don't want it back.  But damn I miss them.  How many more tears until this pain starts to fade?

Time

There's a time and place for everything...  right?  Now is not the time, it's definitely not the time.  I'm sure I'll have time, someday.  But not today and not right now.  there is so much to process and I don't even know where to begin.  The list keeps getting longer.  I start blogs and I don't finish them and now...  now the emotions are starting to escape into my everyday conversations.  This is bad.  I need to stop feeling again but I keep forgetting to take my medication and that's not helping keep it in.  I don't have time to let anything out right now.  Fuck, it's taken me three tries over eight hours just to get this far in this post.  And now I'm super tired and nothing makes sense.

Someday, hopefully soon, I will have the time to feel things and to talk about them and to cry about them.  But today is not that day.

Unimaginable

It was unimaginable; perfection always is.  Hopes and dreams could never reach that far.  The things I wanted and wished for were nothing compared to reality.  She is so much more than those things.  She's everything.  Her very existence is astonishing.  She exists... and she loves me.  She's fucking amazing.

She says I'm not alone anymore.  People have said it before.  As nice as is always was to hear, I never felt the truth in it until now.  I'm really not alone.  I really am loved.  I know.  My only worry is whether or not she knows.  Does this woman see how much I love her?  Does she know how she completes me?  Does she understand what she has done for me just by being herself?  I swear I will spend the rest of my life showing her.

Unstable

I quit my job. I know it was the right thing to do, considering the circumstances but I'm still uneasy. This is the second questionable decision I've made in the past month. I don't feel like questioning my choices but I know other people will. And so I start doubting myself. One questionable choice is just one, two is the start of a pattern.  Am I unstable?  I don't feel unstable. But would I feel it if I were? My meds are going to run out in just a few days. If that happens, I will definitely be unstable...  but am I there already?   Just because I'm medicated doesn't mean I'm stable.  All this worry simply because of the possibility of other people's oppinions.  No one has actually said anything negative... yet.  And with that one little word, I show how negative I am.  The truth is, I'm terrified.  I don't have a job. It was so hard to find a job before.  Being rejected crushed me and I dont know if I have the strength to do it again.  I mean of course I do, I have to. I don't have a choice. But I don't know how I'm going to do it.

Mothering

The biggest part of my life is something that no one in my new family can relate to. My children are my everything. And there isn't anyone here I can talk to. My kid related problems are the only problems that really matter in my life and there is literally no one who can understand. I'm lost. I'm alone. I'm screwed.

Leashed

Woke up still angry this morning. It's not fair and I know that. I didnt let it out last night. I held my tongue and my temper. That's what I'm supposed to do, right? But if that's the case then why do I feel like shit today? We talked, just A and I. Talking is supposed to make things better. But I still feel the lion leashed in my chest, muzzled and unable to roar freely. Talking made nothing better,  it only created more hostility from E. I heard how she really feels. It's not about me. She never said she hates me. She didn't say that. I feel it though. And maybe - probably - I'm doing that thing I do. I give no benefit of the doubt & I always assume the worst. It's not fair, Rob told me so many times. I shouldn't do this. I shouldn't feel this way.  I do. I'm angry and defensive and I can't stop. I can't stop feeling this all. Fuck it. Fuck it. Fuck it all. So what if I'm just a bunch of fucking drama. So what. If she wants less drama I will just keep it and myself away. This relationship was always supposed to be separate from the rest of my life anyway. I wanted to be closer. That was stupid. It wasn't the plan. I broke the rules, that's why this is happening. It's always my fault, I already knew that.

Reality

Angry.  I'm angry.  E is angry. A is angry. Everyone is angry. And my job caused it all. And this is why A doesn't work there anymore. All the stress and bullshit drama was too much. So then why the hell does A jump right back in and take over? It's my job now. Mine. I'm not incapable. But A got in the way. And now I'm being dramatic. And taking up too much time and it's all my fault. Like always. So I guess the honeymoon is over and that was quick. I should have expected that it would be brief. Everything moves so quickly here. I should have know. Oh well, back to reality.

My Destiny.

There's a place in the world where I am wanted.  I am needed.  I can be useful.  I can help. That's all I've ever wanted and never quite been able to find.  Now I know that place exists & it's even better than I thought.  All the desperate rants I've scribbled about no one understanding me are invalid now.  I am understood.  I am loved.  I am wanted.  It's a fucking miracle. It's beautiful.  This is where I was always meant to be.

Married

Finally a happy blog.  It seems like these never happen or at least not often.  But here it is, all happy, all smiles and laughter.  :D  I'm in love and my heart is married.  I am a wife.  I never thought this would happen.  I didn't even dare dream of it.  I am loved.  I am the luckiest woman in the world.  I never thought anyone would understand me or bother to try.  Someone does.  I have a partner.  It's so hard to believe.  I'm so fucking happy.  I feel like a teenager with all the butterflies and blushing.  It's beautiful. Life is beautiful.  Love is beautiful.  I'm not fighting it.  Not this time, not anymore.  I'm tired of fighting all the emotions that I know other people won't approve of.  I'm happy.  I am actually happy.  I don't care if it's not what everyone thinks I should be doing or feeling because I am so fucking happy and it feels amazing.

Rejected

I started applying for jobs because I have to put my kids first before what my Dad needs.  But it doesn't matter now.  The job I needed won't take me.  I am devastated.  How am I supposed to ever see my girls again if I can't get a good job?  This wasn't supposed to be my life.  I was supposed to be a mom.  That's all I wanted to do.  I could have finished high school, gone to college, had a career but I didn't want that life.  I just wanted to be a mom.  Now it's all been taken away from me.  And I'm not good enough for anybody.  I give up.  What else is there to do?  I've fought my whole life and I just can't win.  It's over.

What to do.

I don't understand why I always have too much to do.  I want a job.  I want to get out of this place.  But there's too much to do.  Dad's apartment is going to be inspected in one month.  I don't know how the hell I'm going to get everything done by then.  And I don't know how we're going to eat if I don't get a job.  But if he fails the inspection, he'll lose his home.  It's so much pressure.  And I don't know what the right thing to do is.  I am so overwhelmed.  I just want to run away.  And I wonder, how was Dad planning on passing inspection before I showed up?  I figure cleaning it all up is my rent and I don't think it's unfair.  But it's really annoying that Jake and I have to find some place else to be on inspection day.  As if we have any place else to go!  We wouldn't be here if we did.  I guess we'll just have to stay at the park like homeless people for the day.  At least we're not in Phoenix, that would be miserable.
I don't know what to do.  I can't believe how bad this place is.  Grandma is coming over for the first time tomorrow...  (Today) I'm terrified.  She's not going to understand how much cleaner it is now than it was when I got here.  It's still filthy.  How am I ever going to get it all done and how am I going to support my kid while I'm cleaning it all up?
Life was supposed to be easier now but it's harder instead.  I hate him so much.  He's in Vegas as if he doesn't even have kids and I'm the one struggling.  Why do I have to be a parent when he doesn't?  Maybe that's the answer.  Maybe I should just say fuck it all and leave and go do what I want to do and stop worrying about how to make everything work and just get spun.  Maybe then I could breath and maybe my stomach wouldn't be twisted up and maybe my chest wouldn't be on fire and I wouldn't be crying and everything would be better for me for as long as I could stay high.  And maybe I could just stay high until I die.  Maybe it's time to stop being selfless.  It's never gotten me anywhere.  It's gotten everyone around me what they wanted and left me with nothing again and again.  .....
I only used meth in this city one time.  Is it a coincidence that it was on this street? The house isn't there anymore, they built a new one in it's place.  From Dad's front yard, I can see my old apartment.  The last place I was ever spun.  I hate being here.  Why does it have to be here of all places?  At least Uncle Ricky is gone, I wouldn't be able to cope if he were still there.  I don't want to get high...  do I?

Failed

I didn't die on Mother's Day.  This life is cruel.  I want to have hope for the future but I don't really.  All I really dare to hope for is the end.  The end of this misery.  I've wished for the end for more than 20 years and it still hasn't come.  I haven't done anything good in this life.  I made five kids but the only one that's mine has turned out horrible.  So horrible that no one else wants him anymore.  All I've done in my life is raise a horrible person.  Dad says be patient... Jake will learn eventually.  Boys are slow learners.  Anthony turned out awesome.  But Anthony wasn't as bad as Jake.  He wasn't aggressive like Jake, he wasn't as greedy or selfish, Anthony was a good kid.  I don't know what to do for Jacob.  I've failed him.  I know that's why Rob took Ellie from me.  He doesn't want her to turn out like Jake...  How can I blame him?
All I ever wanted was to be a mom.  I failed.  I truly am worthless.

Ellie hates me.

She doesn't want to talk to me because I'm not her best.  I don't know what that means or why she doesn't want to talk to me.  I guess she is done loving me already.  I guess he is a great brain washer.  I hate my life.  I miss my baby.

Mother's Day

I hate this day.  I hate so much now.  I am so tired of hating.  I'm tired of so much.  I've spent most of my life taking care of other people and ending up with absolutely nothing.  I'm tired of it all.  t I give everything and get nothing.  I'm fed up with being selfless.  I'm tired of letting everyone I know make me feel worthless.  I am not a bad person.  I could ruin so many lives with the things I know but I don't.  Because all I've ever wanted is to help people.  So I'm not perfect.  Big fucking surprise.  Neither is anyone else.  Why am I the one who suffers though?  Fuck all of them.  I should have chosen a different path, one where I won no matter what.  I should have taken more and given nothing.  But I just never had it in me.  I hope I die soon.  I wish this life were over already.  I'm tired of living through it all.  All I want now is death.  Wouldn't it be poetic to die on mother's day?  The woman who had no mother, the woman who lost all her daughters, the woman whose son only cared about himself - mother's day would be the perfect death for me.  I hope I die today.

I'm cold so I imagine his arms around me...  I remember his warmth.  But then I remember my Ellie saying she misses me and asking me to come see her and I cry.  I wish I could tell her the truth.  I want to see you, Ellie!  I want to hold you and kiss you and hug you.  But your Dad won't let me.  He thinks he is God and nothing I ever did for him was good enough.  All the years I took care of you and everyone else weren't good enough.  He won't let me see you again baby girl.  I want to.  Oh how I want to.

Rollercoaster

Yesterday was shitty because I had to skip two doses of Lithium.  I cried.  A lot.  I haven't seen my daughter all week.  He's taking her away more and more each day.  I hate myself for loving him.  I wish I could stop.  I should have run away with her.  But I am not like him and I don't want to hurt my kids like he does.  He said he'll let her call today buy the phone isn't ringing.  I can't even think about him right now, it's too early in the day to be getting so angry.

I Should Be Crying

I should be mourning. I should be curled up in a ball crying my eyes out.  It's the appropriate response to losing a child. But I just can't feel the pain.  I know it's there. I love my Ellie.  I think about her constantly. I miss her so much. But I can't feel the pain that I know comes with all this.  Yesterday I didn't cry at all.  My eyes watered but I didn't shed a tear.  I know it's the Lithium that's blocking my emotions but I still feel heartless.  I should be crying.  Any good parent would be.  But I guess that doesn't include me.  I wonder if this is close to what it feels like for the few crazier than me, the ones who don't have emotions.  I think a lot.  I know what I should feel but it's not there.  Dad talks and I listen and when I hear him say something that I recognize as a joke, I laugh,  But I'm not amused.  I didn't expect to have so much trouble sleeping.  I guess I should take my sleeping pills now that I'm not smoking pot anymore.  More pills.  It's so ridiculous. I wonder if Ellie learned anything yesterday.  I wonder if Samantha knew that she was agreeing to raise Ellie when Rob asked her to "babysit".  He didn't even want another kid in the first place.  I did.  I wanted Ellie and now he's taken her from me.  I wish I had posted that picture online and ruined the whore's career instead of just sending it to her husband.  I should have.  Maybe then she would have been too busy figuring out her own problems to ruin my family.  Poor kids.  Ellie will always feel lost and alone.  I was the only parent she really had - the only one she even saw everyday.  Now she has none.  Except Samantha.  Which is so completely unfair to them both.  Sam was already overwhelmed with her own two kids and suddenly she has to raise a third kid that she barely even knows.  He's such an ass.  He had to have control, had to have it his way, had to win. And everyone else loses.  He claims that he will eventually work less hours.  He wanted me and my son gone right now and he's not willing to even be there for Ellie right now.  And with the way he gets things done, Ellie will probably be moved out before his grand plan even works out - if it ever does.  I wonder if she has learned anything at all since he exiled me.  She should be getting ready for preschool but I doubt he has even thought about her need to learn everyday.  I'm sure he's too busy playing video games.  These are the things that I need to keep reminding myself of and maybe someday my heart will realize it's stupid to love him. Stupid heart.  He hasn't called Jacob even once.  How can I love someone who is such a bastard.  Jacob loves him.  And he just threw Jacob away like trash.  As if Jake isn't a person with feelings.  As if my son hasn't lost enough in his life.  I will never be able to comprehend that kind of heartlessness.  Rob always says I assume too much but I base my opinions on his actions.  He hasn't called even once.  To say he loves Jake means nothing if he doesn't care to even pick up the phone.  I don't believe anything he says now.  He said he would never take Ellie and he said he would always be Jake's dad.  I can't believe anything he says.  And I know it's not all him but he is the one doing it.  I know that bitch is the one who convinced him to abandon Jacob because she never liked him.  I really never would have thought Rob could or would do something like this to Jake.  Not in a million years.  But she's the best manipulator I've ever met.  She disgusts me.  Jacob doesn't deserve this.  He is just a child who's been through hell and back and now he has to go through it all over again.  It's evil.  There's just no other explanation. How she turned Rob against a ten year old, I will never understand.  But considering she has the ability to hate her own grandson, I guess I shouldn't be surprised.  I want to throw up.  If Jacob overcomes this it will be a miracle.  Another dad gone and another little sister lost.  He doesn't deserve this.  And not just his little sister but all Rob's kids that Jake asked to call his brother and sisters.  They were supposed to be his family no matter what happened between Rob and I.  I hate liars.  I wish I could cry.

Sleepless

The light is shining in through the windows.  I haven't slept.  I can't sleep.  All the words I wish I had the guts to say are going through my head like thousands of frantic pin balls, bouncing off each other and slamming into the walls of my brain. I want to stop thinking. I want to close my eyes and rest. I can't. When the thoughts start to slow down, the tears start falling. I know I only feel part of the pain that's really there. Last week I couldn't hold it together for more than an hour at a time. Now I only cry a few times each day and then it's for less than 3 minutes. The medication works. I doubt that it's good for me to block out my feelings but what I think doesn't really matter.  Dad tries everyday to make me laugh. I feel bad for him because I just can't.  I try to fake it but he knows it's not real. I don't really care that I can't laugh.  I just feel bad for Dad.  I will never be happy again, I know that and I accept it.  It hurts Dad though and I wish it didn't.  He thinks laughter is the best medicine and I'm sure it's true.  But I don't deserve to laugh or be happy.  Any mother who abandons her child deserves to be miserable forever.  I've struggled with suicidal thoughts for as long as I can remember. I don't want to die now.  I hope I live a very long life so I can wake up everyday knowing how worthless I am.  An incubator.  Just like my mother.  I can see it on my sibling's faces, everyone knows that I'm no good.  And that's good.  I deserve that.  I deserve all of this.  I never thought I would do to my kids what Lynda did to me.  I disgust myself.

I hate you

I hate you more than I have ever hated another soul. More than I hated my mother for abandoning me. More than I hated the guy that molested me. More than I hated CPS. More than I hated my son's father. More than I hated my ex-husband.  More than I hated his girlfriend. More than I hated his new wife. More than I ever hated anyone before now. More than all of them put together. You make me sick. Physically. It's disgusting.  I didn't know I was even capable of this much hate. I don't understand how I can hate you so much and still love you.  I still love you. I wish I could stop.

Maybe the only reason I can hate this much is because I love you so much. It doesn't make sense to me. I don't want to love you. You stole my baby from me. My last chance to raise a daughter. My mini-me. You saw all the pain I went through and still go through because I lost my second daughter. You swore you would never do this to me. You are a liar. But that's not even why I hate you. I hate you for doing this to our daughter, I hate you for doing this to my son. I hate you because they don't deserve this. You are selfish and you are a terrible father for doing this. My children deserve so much better than you. I hate you. I will never forgive you.