I Should Be Crying

I should be mourning. I should be curled up in a ball crying my eyes out.  It's the appropriate response to losing a child. But I just can't feel the pain.  I know it's there. I love my Ellie.  I think about her constantly. I miss her so much. But I can't feel the pain that I know comes with all this.  Yesterday I didn't cry at all.  My eyes watered but I didn't shed a tear.  I know it's the Lithium that's blocking my emotions but I still feel heartless.  I should be crying.  Any good parent would be.  But I guess that doesn't include me.  I wonder if this is close to what it feels like for the few crazier than me, the ones who don't have emotions.  I think a lot.  I know what I should feel but it's not there.  Dad talks and I listen and when I hear him say something that I recognize as a joke, I laugh,  But I'm not amused.  I didn't expect to have so much trouble sleeping.  I guess I should take my sleeping pills now that I'm not smoking pot anymore.  More pills.  It's so ridiculous. I wonder if Ellie learned anything yesterday.  I wonder if Samantha knew that she was agreeing to raise Ellie when Rob asked her to "babysit".  He didn't even want another kid in the first place.  I did.  I wanted Ellie and now he's taken her from me.  I wish I had posted that picture online and ruined the whore's career instead of just sending it to her husband.  I should have.  Maybe then she would have been too busy figuring out her own problems to ruin my family.  Poor kids.  Ellie will always feel lost and alone.  I was the only parent she really had - the only one she even saw everyday.  Now she has none.  Except Samantha.  Which is so completely unfair to them both.  Sam was already overwhelmed with her own two kids and suddenly she has to raise a third kid that she barely even knows.  He's such an ass.  He had to have control, had to have it his way, had to win. And everyone else loses.  He claims that he will eventually work less hours.  He wanted me and my son gone right now and he's not willing to even be there for Ellie right now.  And with the way he gets things done, Ellie will probably be moved out before his grand plan even works out - if it ever does.  I wonder if she has learned anything at all since he exiled me.  She should be getting ready for preschool but I doubt he has even thought about her need to learn everyday.  I'm sure he's too busy playing video games.  These are the things that I need to keep reminding myself of and maybe someday my heart will realize it's stupid to love him. Stupid heart.  He hasn't called Jacob even once.  How can I love someone who is such a bastard.  Jacob loves him.  And he just threw Jacob away like trash.  As if Jake isn't a person with feelings.  As if my son hasn't lost enough in his life.  I will never be able to comprehend that kind of heartlessness.  Rob always says I assume too much but I base my opinions on his actions.  He hasn't called even once.  To say he loves Jake means nothing if he doesn't care to even pick up the phone.  I don't believe anything he says now.  He said he would never take Ellie and he said he would always be Jake's dad.  I can't believe anything he says.  And I know it's not all him but he is the one doing it.  I know that bitch is the one who convinced him to abandon Jacob because she never liked him.  I really never would have thought Rob could or would do something like this to Jake.  Not in a million years.  But she's the best manipulator I've ever met.  She disgusts me.  Jacob doesn't deserve this.  He is just a child who's been through hell and back and now he has to go through it all over again.  It's evil.  There's just no other explanation. How she turned Rob against a ten year old, I will never understand.  But considering she has the ability to hate her own grandson, I guess I shouldn't be surprised.  I want to throw up.  If Jacob overcomes this it will be a miracle.  Another dad gone and another little sister lost.  He doesn't deserve this.  And not just his little sister but all Rob's kids that Jake asked to call his brother and sisters.  They were supposed to be his family no matter what happened between Rob and I.  I hate liars.  I wish I could cry.

Sleepless

The light is shining in through the windows.  I haven't slept.  I can't sleep.  All the words I wish I had the guts to say are going through my head like thousands of frantic pin balls, bouncing off each other and slamming into the walls of my brain. I want to stop thinking. I want to close my eyes and rest. I can't. When the thoughts start to slow down, the tears start falling. I know I only feel part of the pain that's really there. Last week I couldn't hold it together for more than an hour at a time. Now I only cry a few times each day and then it's for less than 3 minutes. The medication works. I doubt that it's good for me to block out my feelings but what I think doesn't really matter.  Dad tries everyday to make me laugh. I feel bad for him because I just can't.  I try to fake it but he knows it's not real. I don't really care that I can't laugh.  I just feel bad for Dad.  I will never be happy again, I know that and I accept it.  It hurts Dad though and I wish it didn't.  He thinks laughter is the best medicine and I'm sure it's true.  But I don't deserve to laugh or be happy.  Any mother who abandons her child deserves to be miserable forever.  I've struggled with suicidal thoughts for as long as I can remember. I don't want to die now.  I hope I live a very long life so I can wake up everyday knowing how worthless I am.  An incubator.  Just like my mother.  I can see it on my sibling's faces, everyone knows that I'm no good.  And that's good.  I deserve that.  I deserve all of this.  I never thought I would do to my kids what Lynda did to me.  I disgust myself.

I hate you

I hate you more than I have ever hated another soul. More than I hated my mother for abandoning me. More than I hated the guy that molested me. More than I hated CPS. More than I hated my son's father. More than I hated my ex-husband.  More than I hated his girlfriend. More than I hated his new wife. More than I ever hated anyone before now. More than all of them put together. You make me sick. Physically. It's disgusting.  I didn't know I was even capable of this much hate. I don't understand how I can hate you so much and still love you.  I still love you. I wish I could stop.

Maybe the only reason I can hate this much is because I love you so much. It doesn't make sense to me. I don't want to love you. You stole my baby from me. My last chance to raise a daughter. My mini-me. You saw all the pain I went through and still go through because I lost my second daughter. You swore you would never do this to me. You are a liar. But that's not even why I hate you. I hate you for doing this to our daughter, I hate you for doing this to my son. I hate you because they don't deserve this. You are selfish and you are a terrible father for doing this. My children deserve so much better than you. I hate you. I will never forgive you.