Today, while reading an article on the internet, a random thought whizzed through my brain and kicked me in the stomach. My brain does love random thoughts and I often have them running around up there. The kicking part was what caught me off guard. It isn't common for these things to make me feel so suddenly... what? stunned, winded, shocked, breathless, stupid, awestruck, idiotic, self-aware, purposeful, and resolute.
Labels. Sigh. I avoid labels at all costs. Ignoring their existence until someone else superglues them to my forehead and forces me to live that way. I walk through this world so anxious about how others see me through my list of labels that I can't even look at people most of the time. I avoid mirrors so I don't have to look at myself and risk seeing the horrible person that these labels obviously make me. All at once I can see what a damn idiot I've been all these years.
My random thought grows arms and begins to shake me, awakening me! How could I ever have wondered why I don't know who I am? I absolutely refuse to commit to being anything that I don't have to be! I'm so exasperated with myself. At this point, I remember that I have a perfectly good, well formulated response to the notion that labels are anything but harmful. I remember that I have argued this point many times with many friends and almost always won. But right now, I can't seem to recall what exactly that argument is. I suspect it's more than just a little short-sighted. I am baffled by my own idiocy and determined to change - now.
It's not just me that I've been hurting. It's not just my own labels that I avoid or outright refuse - it's almost everyone's. I have been dismissive of who people are, rarely even considering how they would describe themselves. 'You're just YOU to me,' I've said so many times. But is that true if I don't acknowledge how they see themselves? I can't let myself shrug off the things that give people a sense of identity. My family, my friends, and especially my children deserve this change.
Today, I am going to stop being afraid of describing myself. I am going to find myself and accept myself and fucking love myself. Because it's about damn time.
I am Stephenie. I am so much.
Mom. Wife. Sister. Friend. Woman. Smart. Bisexual. Pagan. Bookworm. Paranoid. Bipolar. Addict. Daughter. Aunt. Cousin. Granddaughter. Niece.
I am finding me.
You are all of those things and so many more. You'll never stop finding out all the things you are. And that's okay. I promise.
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