I Should Be Crying

I should be mourning. I should be curled up in a ball crying my eyes out.  It's the appropriate response to losing a child. But I just can't feel the pain.  I know it's there. I love my Ellie.  I think about her constantly. I miss her so much. But I can't feel the pain that I know comes with all this.  Yesterday I didn't cry at all.  My eyes watered but I didn't shed a tear.  I know it's the Lithium that's blocking my emotions but I still feel heartless.  I should be crying.  Any good parent would be.  But I guess that doesn't include me.  I wonder if this is close to what it feels like for the few crazier than me, the ones who don't have emotions.  I think a lot.  I know what I should feel but it's not there.  Dad talks and I listen and when I hear him say something that I recognize as a joke, I laugh,  But I'm not amused.  I didn't expect to have so much trouble sleeping.  I guess I should take my sleeping pills now that I'm not smoking pot anymore.  More pills.  It's so ridiculous. I wonder if Ellie learned anything yesterday.  I wonder if Samantha knew that she was agreeing to raise Ellie when Rob asked her to "babysit".  He didn't even want another kid in the first place.  I did.  I wanted Ellie and now he's taken her from me.  I wish I had posted that picture online and ruined the whore's career instead of just sending it to her husband.  I should have.  Maybe then she would have been too busy figuring out her own problems to ruin my family.  Poor kids.  Ellie will always feel lost and alone.  I was the only parent she really had - the only one she even saw everyday.  Now she has none.  Except Samantha.  Which is so completely unfair to them both.  Sam was already overwhelmed with her own two kids and suddenly she has to raise a third kid that she barely even knows.  He's such an ass.  He had to have control, had to have it his way, had to win. And everyone else loses.  He claims that he will eventually work less hours.  He wanted me and my son gone right now and he's not willing to even be there for Ellie right now.  And with the way he gets things done, Ellie will probably be moved out before his grand plan even works out - if it ever does.  I wonder if she has learned anything at all since he exiled me.  She should be getting ready for preschool but I doubt he has even thought about her need to learn everyday.  I'm sure he's too busy playing video games.  These are the things that I need to keep reminding myself of and maybe someday my heart will realize it's stupid to love him. Stupid heart.  He hasn't called Jacob even once.  How can I love someone who is such a bastard.  Jacob loves him.  And he just threw Jacob away like trash.  As if Jake isn't a person with feelings.  As if my son hasn't lost enough in his life.  I will never be able to comprehend that kind of heartlessness.  Rob always says I assume too much but I base my opinions on his actions.  He hasn't called even once.  To say he loves Jake means nothing if he doesn't care to even pick up the phone.  I don't believe anything he says now.  He said he would never take Ellie and he said he would always be Jake's dad.  I can't believe anything he says.  And I know it's not all him but he is the one doing it.  I know that bitch is the one who convinced him to abandon Jacob because she never liked him.  I really never would have thought Rob could or would do something like this to Jake.  Not in a million years.  But she's the best manipulator I've ever met.  She disgusts me.  Jacob doesn't deserve this.  He is just a child who's been through hell and back and now he has to go through it all over again.  It's evil.  There's just no other explanation. How she turned Rob against a ten year old, I will never understand.  But considering she has the ability to hate her own grandson, I guess I shouldn't be surprised.  I want to throw up.  If Jacob overcomes this it will be a miracle.  Another dad gone and another little sister lost.  He doesn't deserve this.  And not just his little sister but all Rob's kids that Jake asked to call his brother and sisters.  They were supposed to be his family no matter what happened between Rob and I.  I hate liars.  I wish I could cry.