Me.....

My Princess Lacey.  I wish so much that I could talk to her, see her, hold her, kiss her and sing with her.  Singing to Ellie is so bittersweet because I love it and she loves it so much but it reminds me so much of Lacey.  I know I need to hold on to those memories and I do, I cherish the years I had with her, I will never let myself forget what I beautiful daughter I had.  But it's hard, it's painful and I try to keep it inside because I don't want Jake to see me crying or anything and then I wonder if I'm doing the right thing because maybe I'm teaching him that it's not okay to cry or be sad about it and I don't want to do that.  It really hit me hard the way Ellie looked at me when I laughed the other day.  It was like she never saw me laugh before.  I thought about it for a long time and you're right, I can't remember even 5 times that I have really laughed since she was born.  That's so sad.  I wonder if it's because of life or the medication.  They are stabilizers so they curb the ups just as much as the downs.  I was thinking that since Ellie is sleeping through the night now, maybe it would be a good idea to go back on the Seroquel.  The only reason she would probably wake up at night now is if she were sick and if that were the case I could probably skip a couple days if I needed too. Like with the Lithium I'm supposed to skip it if I get sick, ya know?  Anyway, I would have to talk to the doctor about it and make sure I could do that but if not I wanted to have time to talk to you and Sam and see if maybe she could help if I got back on that and Ellie got sick and you were working.  LOL  I know that's a lot of what ifs but I don't want to get back on it if there's a possibility that I'll have to stop it again.  But maybe it would help me laugh more.....  I laugh in my daydreams.  Sometimes it's nice to pretend that I might get to see Lacey again.  I wish she could meet her baby sister.  I miss her so much babe.  I never knew a human being could feel this much pain.  I'm not surprised that I forgot yesterday was the 24th of July, I wouldn't even let myself hope they would find her.  I told my dad that even if they did live there, they probably wouldn't be at the parade because J.D. hated holidays when I knew him.  He said it was worth a try and he was right.  I'm so happy they found her.  I can't believe Jake and Lacey got to play together.  And I hope they get more time together.  The thing I want more than anything else is for the two of them to be able to be brother and sister again.  I used to have a very strong opinion that they should stay with each other and be raised together and everything.  I mean they were so close, very best friends.  But what I think should happen and what actually happens are often very different.  Now I just wish they could have some kind of relationship, any kind at all is better than none.  That's what I want most.  Of course I wish I could see her, I wish she were her with us, I wish I could be her mom.  You tell me to have hope, that someday things will be different but I don't believe you.  I think you just say that to make me feel better and it doesn't because I don't think it's true.  He's never going to let me see her again.  By the time she's old enough to decide for herself, she will be so poisoned against me that it won't matter.  I know because of what I went through with my mother.  I heard my dad's side my whole life and I put the pieces together of what I thought might be my mother's side.  When I finally asked her for her story, it was pretty much what I expected, and it was not at all what my dad claimed.  But it doesn't matter, I still can't call her "mom" when I talk of her, still don't call her, I don't visit, I can't forgive her.  At least it won't be a surprise, at least I will completely understand why Lacey will hate me too when she grows up.  I don't want to hope for the impossible babe.  I want to accept it and spend my energy hoping for things that really could happen.  I have lots of wishes and daydreams but I can't hope for those things.  I can't hope for me, so I just hope for the kids.